Things I Would do Immediately After Getting Legit Money and Celeb Status

Assuming, of course, that after all this happens, I’m still retarded enough to stick around someplace that isn’t an island in the Caribbean (and it will happen. You doubters reading this now can go sit and visualize yourselves at some bar in the future, trying to mentally shrug off your mediocre lives), the first thing I would like to do is:

1. Get some of my friends to don SWAT vests, give them Airsoft guns, and drive with them everywhere in a giant obnoxious and polluting GMC Yukon XL 2500. That might sound kind of stupid, but its not, and here’s why:

Imagine pulling out of your gated mansion with a group of friends armed with guns that shoot orange plastic BBs. The things don’t maim, but they can really fucking hurt, especially when they are fired out of things that look like this, and super especially if its warm and your prey are wearing t-shirts. Who are the prey? Right, imagine the gate opening as you pull out, only to be greeted by a bunch of swarming idiots with cameras trying to get a sneak photo of the beautiful, intelligent, gracious – but paying homage to some curious recent trends – probably pantyless vagina owner that is sitting with you. They are surrounding your car, blinding you with their bulbs of fame’s acknowledgment, and making it really difficult to both move the car forward and suppress to urge run them over. I think the celebrities that are stuck in these situations probably respond pretty normally – with curses, rage, violence, umbrellas, etc.

Cue awesome group of friends jumping out of the Yukon with awesome plastic guns, and laying waste to these annoying, deeply flawed specimens of humanity with fancy cameras. Sure, they could press charges for “assault” or something whatever like that, but…well…sure, I’ve got money now right? HAHAHAHAHAH. Fuck them. Losers.